fear versus love

January 13, 2013

parenting

There are two base emotions – fear and love (Dr Bryan Post).

How do fear and love play out in our parenting?

“How do your words fall on your child’s heart?” Lisa Nichols.

Fear-based parenting views the child as “bad”.

Love-based parenting views the child as worthy of our love, time, and attention.

Fear-based parenting views the child as “manipulative and attention seeking”.

Love-based parenting recognises that all behaviour arises from a need (physical, emotional, intellectual), and sometimes behaviour is a way of attempting to make a connection with a parent.

Fear-based parenting emphasises the need for discipline and punishment.

Love-based parenting emphasises the need for guidance, education, and relationship.

Fear-based parenting seeks revenge or payback for a child’s behaviour.

Love-based parenting seeks belonging and connection for the child.

Fear-based parenting notices “bad” behaviour.

Love-based parenting notices mistaken behaviour (Dan Gartrell).

When we move from fear-based parenting to love-based parenting we move from ME (parent’s agenda) to WE (parent and child together). It is no longer us versus them.

In fear-based parenting the parent reacts.

In love-based parenting the parent responds. In times of high emotion, the parent remembers to Stop-Breathe-Think-then Do.

In fear-based parenting the child’s feeling are dismissed.

In love-based parenting the child’s feelings are acknowledged.

Fear-based parenting focuses on the person.

Love-based parenting focuses on the behaviour.

Through fear-based parenting, the child experiences shame, which can last a lifetime.

Through love-based parenting, the child experiences guilt, which is short-term (Dr Daniel A Hughes).

In fear-based parenting, the parent feels shame, blame, and guilt.

In love-based parenting, the parent tries to be real (Scott Noelle http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/be-real).

In fear-based parenting, the parent burdens the child with own feelings, demands an insincere apology, and does not apologise for self.

In love-based parenting, the parent talks about OK/not OK for self and child, seeks relationship repair, admits wrongdoing, and role models saying sorry.

Fear-based parenting values the child for what he or she does.

Love-based parenting values the child for who she or he is.

In fear-based parenting, the parent persuades, nags, begs, yells, and hits.

In love-based parenting, the parent employs the “no talking, no emotion” strategy (Dr Thomas Phelan).

In fear-based parenting, the parent is operating at a head level.

In love-based parenting, the parent is operating from a heart level.

“I promise to listen with my heart” Kelly Diels.

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About hakea

groupworker, parent educator, therapist, mother of three boys.

View all posts by hakea

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One Comment on “fear versus love”

  1. eof737 Says:

    Interesting observations… I love the love and fear comparison… excellent! 😉

    Reply

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