There are two base emotions – fear and love (Dr Bryan Post).
How do fear and love play out in our parenting?
“How do your words fall on your child’s heart?” Lisa Nichols.
Fear-based parenting views the child as “bad”.
Love-based parenting views the child as worthy of our love, time, and attention.
Fear-based parenting views the child as “manipulative and attention seeking”.
Love-based parenting recognises that all behaviour arises from a need (physical, emotional, intellectual), and sometimes behaviour is a way of attempting to make a connection with a parent.
Fear-based parenting emphasises the need for discipline and punishment.
Love-based parenting emphasises the need for guidance, education, and relationship.
Fear-based parenting seeks revenge or payback for a child’s behaviour.
Love-based parenting seeks belonging and connection for the child.
Fear-based parenting notices “bad” behaviour.
Love-based parenting notices mistaken behaviour (Dan Gartrell).
When we move from fear-based parenting to love-based parenting we move from ME (parent’s agenda) to WE (parent and child together). It is no longer us versus them.
In fear-based parenting the parent reacts.
In love-based parenting the parent responds. In times of high emotion, the parent remembers to Stop-Breathe-Think-then Do.
In fear-based parenting the child’s feeling are dismissed.
In love-based parenting the child’s feelings are acknowledged.
Fear-based parenting focuses on the person.
Love-based parenting focuses on the behaviour.
Through fear-based parenting, the child experiences shame, which can last a lifetime.
Through love-based parenting, the child experiences guilt, which is short-term (Dr Daniel A Hughes).
In fear-based parenting, the parent feels shame, blame, and guilt.
In love-based parenting, the parent tries to be real (Scott Noelle http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/be-real).
In fear-based parenting, the parent burdens the child with own feelings, demands an insincere apology, and does not apologise for self.
In love-based parenting, the parent talks about OK/not OK for self and child, seeks relationship repair, admits wrongdoing, and role models saying sorry.
Fear-based parenting values the child for what he or she does.
Love-based parenting values the child for who she or he is.
In fear-based parenting, the parent persuades, nags, begs, yells, and hits.
In love-based parenting, the parent employs the “no talking, no emotion” strategy (Dr Thomas Phelan).
In fear-based parenting, the parent is operating at a head level.
In love-based parenting, the parent is operating from a heart level.
“I promise to listen with my heart” Kelly Diels.